Friday, October 29, 2010

10 Worst Movie Castings

There have been so many horrendous casting errors over the years (John Wayne as Genghis Khan anyone?), but these are ones that particularly strike me as terrible.

10) Shia LaBeouf as Mutt Williams in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

OK, we'll call this one biased. Every time I see this whiny little bitch I want to take a pipe wrench upside his head. While I shouldn't blame the epic failure of this movie on him, I do. I could probably overlook the convoluted story line, the ridiculous CGI and even the absurd "nuke the fridge" scene. But watching this goofy bastard swinging through the jungle with monkeys just pisses me off.

9) Scout Taylor Compton as Laurie Strode in Halloween

Normally I'm one to root for the bad guy anyway, but from the first time Scout opens her mouth in this movie all I can think is "Why isn't she dead yet?"  Where Jamie Lee Curtis brought a balance of strength and vulnerability to the role, Scout brought an obnoxiousness that can only be cured by being stabbed repeatedly by a giant mute knife-wielding maniac.

8) Rosie O'Donnell as Betty Rubble in The Flintstones

Are you fucking kidding me? Let's take a rotund lesbian, throw her in a blue dress and have her play a curvaceous, iconic cartoon character. There's a special level in Hell reserved for whoever made that casting call.

7) John Travolta as Howard Saint in The Punisher

Quite possibly the lamest bad guy EVER. Barbarino does not a villain make. Does anybody actually think a flamboyant, pipe smoking golfer is remotely terrifying? Laura Harring as his wife was scarier than Travolta. And what the hell is with the crying when he gets dragged behind the car?

6) Rachel Ticotin as Melina in Total Recall

In all fairness Rachel did a decent job in the role. Her inclusion is for a shallow, albeit very true reason; there's no way Quaid goes for the least attractive female in the movie. If there's a choice between in her prime Sharon Stone and Rachel Ticotin it's no contest. The three breasted chick would have been a better choice. Even the machine gun toting midget hooker had more going on than Rachel.

5) Sofia Coppola as Mary Corleone in The Godfather III

Winona Ryder was forced to drop out of this production causing a recast. Apparently every other young talented actress was unavailable and in order to save the film, Francis Ford Coppola turned to the one person he knew could pull off the role, his completely inexperienced daughter. But alas her remedial thespian skills were no match for screen titan George Hamilton, seen here as the leather faced replacement of Robert Duvall  as family lawyer.

4) Keanu Reeves as Johnathan Harker in Dracula

Francis Ford Coppola, in an effort to move past the nepotism of the Godfather III cast....Keanu Reeves? I don't possess the words to accurately describe how horrendous this is. He affects an accent that falls just a tad short of English. When he says "Budapest" it's so distracting that you end up missing the next 20 minutes of the film because you're still trying to figure out what the hell he said.

3) Kevin Costner as Robin Hood in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Ah, the constant favorite of all worst of lists. The horrible accent (and lack thereof), the wooden acting, the unsightly mullet, Costner had it all for this one. This move makes you forget his great performance in.......give me a minute. I'll think of a movie he was good in.

2) Hugh Jackman as Wolverine in all of the X-Men movies

Yep, I said it. When casting for a diminutive Canadian character getting a big ass Australian generally shouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind. Aside from the physical differences, the movies portrayed Wolverine as a bitch. This is one bad little motherfucker that likes to hack, slash and stab people. He doesn't cry, whine or talk about his feelings.

1) Bull Durham - the whole movie

This movie is the Hat Trick, a perfect storm of bad casting. Tim Robbins is WAY too old to portray a Single A ball player (frankly so is the rest of the team). Susan Sarandon just does not work as the hot older woman. Repeat after me: Susan Sarandon is NOT hot. She has the weird, creepy fish face thing going on. That being said, if she were picking up Single A players that would be like somebody's grandma hooking up with high school kids. This brings us to the final member of the triumvirate - Kevin Costner. Why is this guy famous?? He's the worst actor ever. His wooden staccato performances make wood look interesting and thought provoking! The most convincing thing he says in the entire movie is when he tells the bat boy to shut up.


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