Top 5 Sports Movies

Sports movies - the celluloid magic that makes us feel like we're part of the team, not the lazy ass couch potatoes we really are.

5) Major League

This movie has everything you could ever want in a baseball movie - Rene Russo, pre-prison Wesley Snipes, pre-spousal abuse Charlie Sheen and pre-fucked up, creepy plastic surgery Tom Berenger.

4) Slap Shot

Even if you hate hockey, I defy you to watch this movie and not laugh your ass off. Paul Newman is brilliant and the Hanson brothers are the greatest siblings to ever grace the silver screen.

 3) Caddyshack

Be the ball.

2) Rocky

The film equivalent to The Little Engine That Could. Even though some of the dialogue is unintelligible and Sylvester Stallone beats up a side of beef and chases a chicken around, it is an inspiring story.

1) Miracle

The 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey teams victory over the Russians was a monumental moment not only in sports, but also in U.S. international relations. Miracle is criminally underrated. Kurt Russel's portrayal of Herb Brooks is fantastic.


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Top 5 Worst Super Powers

Most of us comic book nerds have dreamed of having super powers at one time or another - invisibility, super strength, flying, etc. But there are some powers nobody wants to draw the short stick on.

5) Super Speed - Admittedly at first glance this seems like a badass power. In reality you would just be the first person to show up to a fight, say "Oh shit" and then run to get somebody with cooler powers.

4) Sonic Scream - You know that obnoxiously loud drunk that's at every bar, club, party or concert that you've ever been to? Imagine that same drunk imbued with a superhuman voice. On top of that, can you really see a super villain be scared of "WOOOO HOOOO!!!!!" at 500 dB?

3) Super Hearing - If the neighborhood kids keep you awake at night now, try magnifying that a few hundred times. Plus, if you existed in the same universe as the drunk with the sonic scream your brain would melt inside your skull.

2) Super Breath - While Ursa blowing away the helicopter in Superman II is strangely erotic, this is a stupid power. If Superman sneezes he's going to fuck up a whole bunch of people's day.

1) Aquatic Communications - I don't care how they try to  revamp Aquaman, he still carries on conversations with seahorses and shrimp.

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Top 5 Comic Book Writers

A lot has changed in comic books over the last 50+ years. They have gone from being regarded as silly kids things to a (somewhat) respected form of literature. The efforts of many writers have raised the bar of what we expect from a comic. These are my picks for the best of the best.

5) Chris Claremont - Chris took the failing Uncanny X-Men reboot and turned it into a best selling juggernaut. He's responsible for The Dark Phoenix Saga and the Days of Future Past story arcs, two of the best known passages in X-Men lore. Because of him just about everyone on the planet knows of the mutants and their struggles.

4) Frank Miller - While Frank's comic and movie career have been a bit uneven to say the least, when he's on he is on. His Dark Knight Returns helped usher in a new darker adult vision of comics (it was even published before Watchmen). His work on Daredevil is the stuff of legends and Sin City (comic and movie) is fantastic.

 
3) Warren Ellis - Running the gamut from superhero books to drug crazed, gun toting psychotic journalists, Warren Ellis body of work is immense and amazing. Dystopian futures, clandestine government agencies, transhumanist themes and a wicked sense of humor are rampantly employed in his work.

2) Garth Ennis - Quite possibly the sickest, darkest humor in mainstream comics belongs to Garth Ennis. Reading his work you find yourself repulsed and laughing like a maniac at the same time. His creator owned Preacher is one of the most revered series in the comic world. He took the Punisher from kind of a badass to a kill-everybody-in-the-room-with-a-fork-because-I-ran-out-of-bullets baddass with Punisher MAX.

1) Stan Lee and Jack Kirby - How could these two titans not be number 1? Lee and Kirby are gods among men. They shaped the Silver Age of comics and brought superheros to the forefront. It speaks volumes that many of their creations are still some of the most respected figures in all of pop culture.

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Top 5 Christmas Movies

Yep, it's that time. Thanksgiving is over. You ate 4 times your own body weight and you still have leftovers overflowing the refrigerator, including a tub of that weird green fruit salad thing your crazy ass aunt brought. You suffered through the insanity of Black Friday, walking away broke and with a court date regarding that unfortunate incident at Wal-Mart. Now it's time to be subjected to that most cruel and unusual torture - Christmas movies. If you must endure them, go for the good ones.

5) Die Hard

This movie is how office Christmas parties should be done - explosions and machine guns. It also features everyone's secret holiday wish: the summary execution of an asshole salesperson.

 4) The Ref

Christmas at gunpoint has never been this funny.

3) Scrooged

If you must partake in Dickens classic A Christmas Carol, check into this twisted take on it. It has great dialogue, the Solid Gold Dancers and a promo for the Manson Family Christmas Special.

2) Christmas Vacation 

Nuclear powered Christmas lights, an electrocuted cat and how to fix the newel post in one easy step. What more could you ask for?

1) A Christmas Story

All I have to say is.....You'll shoot your eye out, you'll shoot your eye out.

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Top 5 Metal Instrumentals

5) Pray for the Locust - Down

This cool little ethereal ditty, featuring Phil Anselmo on guitar, is in the vein of many Black sabbath instrumentals.



4) Inquisition Symphony - Sepultura

From the Schizophrenic album, Inquisition Symphony is brutal and powerful. You actually get a paranoid feeling that someone is after you when you listen to it.



3) Cosmic Sea - Death

This song epitomizes why Chuck Schuldiner is the godfather of death metal.




2) Last Call - Testament

With a plethora of instrumental tracks to choose from it was difficult to name Last Call as the best of Testament but after listening to it again I think I made the right choice.



1) Orion - Metallica

Metallica is number one. I was just as shocked as your are. It's getting harder and harder to remember that they did indeed kick ass at one point in time.  


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Top 5 Movies That Deserve A Remake

With the current trend in Hollywood to remake and rape every film that has ever touched celluloid, I thought I would compile a list of movies that I would like to see remade. The biggest obstacle will be keeping Michael Bay away from them.

5) Friday the 13th

Yeah, I know it has already been remade. It was fucking horrible. I've seen it twice and I still couldn't tell you what happens. How do you make a giant sadistic killer in a hockey mask boring? With Jared Padalecki in the cast it seems like the worst episode of Supernatural ever produced. I kept waiting for Dean to run over Jason with the Impala.

4) Big Trouble in Little China

You know what Jack Burton says at a time like this? A personal favorite from my childhood. I want to see a remake with better special effects and an expanded story, maybe see a flash back of Lo Pan being turned into a demon and an explanation of what that big ass creature that comes out of the hole is.

3) The Big Sleep

The reason I want to see a remake for this is simple; there haven't been any great noir films made in years and I don't trust anybody to write an original one. Remaking a Bogart classic seems like a better choice. The Big Sleep is lesser known than the Maltese Falcon so a retelling would be met with less resistance.

2) The Great Escape

I would love to see a remake of this. It does present an interesting quagmire though. Do you remain faithful to the historical events or do you go with the Steve McQueen's a badass motorcycle jump version. Either way would be good with me. Just keep Quentin Tarantino away from it. We don't need Inglourious Basterds 2.

1) The Godfather

Let me preface this by saying the original is one of my all time favorite movies. The only reason I want to see a remake is to see some of the subplots from the book that were dropped, such as the Johnny Fontane and Lucy Mancini sections.

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Top 5 Overrated Movies

Every year we watch critics pour accolades on movie after movie, praising their originality and creativity. Every year we look at those same movies and think "Wow. That was fucking stupid." Here are my top 5 picks for most overrated movie.

5) Field of Dreams - Aside from my obvious hatred of Kevin Costner, I don't get this movie. Farmer hears voices that tell him to turn his field into a baseball diamond and a bunch of ghosts show up to play catch. Throw in James Earl Jones and you have an instant classic. Did I miss something?

4) Shawshank Redemption - Currently rated #1 on imdb.com, this movie isn't that great. It's mediocre at best. There are much better prison movies, better prison escape movies and definitely better Stephen King movies.

3) Scarface - Embraced and merchandised by the masses, it's almost laughable how bad this movie is. Does anyone really buy Al Pacino or Robert Loggia as Cubans? That this movie has built such a substantial following and has become ingrained in our social lexicon is amazing. Upon first viewing you are left with a sinking feeling that you just wasted three hours to hear a coked out Al Pacino scream "Say hello to my little friend."

2) There Will Be Blood - What a horrible piece of shit this is. I bought into the hype of this movie and bought it on DVD when it first came out. I waited and waited and waited for the good part. When the credits started to roll I was so pissed I damn near kicked the TV. Special side note: Daniel Day Lewis is NOT that great of an actor. He's played the same character in Gangs of New York.

1) Titanic - James Cameron is dead to me after unleashing this travesty on the public. How the fuck did this become the highest grossing film of all time? It's a four hour movie about a boat sinking. You can argue all the subplots and character development and all that bullshit but at the end of the day it's a boat sinking. If you want to see a disaster movie with better characters and actors go watch Towering Inferno. Even if you don't like it it's only 3 hours long.

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